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I'm going to try to explain a strange feeling.
Sunday morning in church the couple in front of us had a beautiful little baby.
Dad was holding him and he looked up and yawned with wide, trusting, sleepy eyes.
I felt happy for them and at the same time an old familiar longing to hold a child of my own. Back in the old days this would be the point where I would start doing a "sales-pitch" on Jennifer for having another baby. But now mixed up in this are feelings of loss about Jaymun. And the waves from losing him are still spreading.
For we had decided (when Jen was pregnant with Jaymun) that our family was large enough.
So his passing has created a strange unprepared family emptiness. Not that anything could truly fill his place,
but when I look at parents and their babies I have a bittersweet appreciation for unreachable joys.
This Sunday afternoon our house seemed too organized. We had too many choices about what to do or where to go. I would rather have been tied to a schedule because of the needs of a three-year-old. It doesn't feel right to have such flexibility to plan eating or visiting.
I'd rather have Jaymun bossing me around demanding things like basket rides.
Sitting behind the happy parents, I had fleeting thoughts of guilt ...were we right to limit the size of our family? ...did we go against what God wanted? Then I remembered back then how we planned to be of better help to others by not growing our family past five children. So what should we do now? And maybe God was in that decision to help us better focus on Jaymun for the past three years? But then now what? Where do we go from here? I think for the short term this is easier on me than Jennifer ...I have challenges aplenty at work, while her day is dramatically and suddenly different.
I know in the middle of our emptiness there are many things still to be thankful for
...tough as it is, I hope both Jen and I will find time to write about that this week.