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Grieving and Coping


11/11/2009

Thank you so much for checking in on us. Missing Jaymun is by far the hardest thing our family has ever had to go through, but we are helping each other through it. There is not one spot in the house that doesn't bring back some memory of him and engaging in simple family activities has been extremely painful when we realize that there is a huge enormous void in our family where that sweet little boy used to be. The children feel it deeply too and comment on it constantly. We miss him just terribly and the silence where he once used to be is heavy and palpable.

I will not lie and say we are all doing fine. This is a devastating event in our lives, as any parent who has ever lost their child will attest to. No one can really prepare you for how hard losing a child will be. Dave has gone back to work and the children have gone back to school, but my days will never be the same again. Jaymun and I spent every single day of his life together, filling up the hours until everyone came home in the late afternoon. I find myself with hours upon hours to fill. Every single thing in the house reminds me of him and it hurts deeply. It is an ache that threatens to swallow me up at times if I allow myself to dwell on it too much. Life is not supposed to happen like this, small children dying before their parents.

I feel tremendously sorry for people who do not even have faith to rely on in times like these. I at least have hope that one day we will be reunited with our sweet boy again. Death really does not frighten me anymore. I look forward to the day when I can scoop our little boy up again in my arms and see him with my own eyes. Three years was not enough time for me, not in the least.

Up until this moment, I wasn't so sure I was ever going to post another entry on Jaymun's website. Then I received a lovely card in the mail from a relative who took the time to tell me just how much it meant to her family to read about Jaymun's life everyday. I'm not a person for keeping up with cold numbers or statistics, but I checked our readership numbers and discovered that there are still hundreds of you who check in daily, even now. I don't know what your reasons may be for doing so, perhaps out of habit or curiosity for whether we will still maintain our site.

It struck me that maybe there are those of you who feel as we do, that Jaymun's life still calls for celebrating who he was and always will be: an inspiration. I have dozens and dozens of untold stories and photos, some happy in nature and others of a deeper, more insightful tone. My main focus was never trying to keep an updated website. Rather, it was to enjoy spending time with a little boy who required all of my attention both physically and emotionally.

I cannot make any promises of how often or how long I will continue to write posts on here. I'm committed to keeping Jaymun's story alive and ongoing for as long as I see significant interest. With that being said, it is always helpful to this heartbroken mama's heart to hear from people who share the same perspective. So often I run into people who tell me they want to email or send a card and then refrain from doing so out of guilt that they didn't respond sooner. As any person will tell you after they have lost a loved one, it is a horrendous myth that the grief ends with a funeral. Our sorrow has only just begun and it helps tremendously to have people still send me a little memory or favorite story of what they remember most about our Jaymun. I have hopes that I will be able to call upon some of you to allow me to share your personal stories here on the website for others to enjoy.

To those of you who have sent me such stories, I thank you. It has warmed my heart and encouraged me to share with our other children what a tremendous impact their baby brother had on other people's lives. I hope to do the same for Jaymun's readers.

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