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Holding?


6-20-2008

Todays CSF numbers:

CSF Total Nucleated Cells: 16
CSF Percentage Blasts: 86%

(Compared to Tuesday: 13 / 93%)

So I guess that is not better. Although the percentage went down from 93% to 86%, the count went up from 13 to 16.
They are still talking about what that means, and how that might affect our treatment plan.

For those of you who want to cut through the medical lingo - if they can't get these blasts with chemo, then we have to decide whether or not to do go ahead and do a transplant without having him first in remission. It is my understanding that nobody survives long-term (there is 100% relapse) if we don't get him into remission first. That's why everyone hangs on these counts - and even though he seems to feel good...
...todays news was devastating.


Back to the CSF numbers. I didn't ask if they compare the "multiples" (nucleated count times blast percentage), but if so, it went up from 12.09 to 13.76. I don't know how precise the Total Nucleated Cells number is (the cells counted on a "slide"). I would assume they would repeat that slide sample several times and average the numbers. Because with samples this small (slide size) - being one cell off or even a half cell off could be the difference between a trend in one direction or the other.

However, I've never seen a Nucleated Cell count with a fraction at the end.
Maybe that's because CSF blast trends that small don't make a difference - maybe there are only three significant trends - spiking, crashing, or holding. If that is the case I guess the CSF blasts are holding.

Yeah... holding. That's what we're all doing. Holding onto God, and holding on to each other.

Jaymun is also holding on to the love we give him through this crisis.

It is quite humbling to realize our own limitations and inability to ultimately secure life.
We all do our part here (parents and doctors) ...laugh together for good news, and cry together for bad news.
It it is exhausting, and heartbreaking to feel the rope of lovely young lives slip even another inch out of our hands.

Yet, strangely, at times when I am given the worst news, it is after then that I receive the greatest peace.
Because, I turn to our God, and see after all, that the rope of life was never mine to secure in the first place.
I am merely a tool in the hand of One much bigger than I.
He knows my weakness. My own actions do not deserve the daily miracles I receive.
I live out of favor merited by Another Who knew all these troubles were coming, and sacrificed His life
...so I could confidently rely on our Father Who is faithful to help like He has done before.

Even if I can't hold on to Jaymun...

...He can hold on to Jaymun

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